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Samantha

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I hope this stays around awhile... [Nov. 16th, 2015|08:07 pm]
Samantha
[mood |restlessrestless]

I am feeling nostalgic tonight and tried to look through some things but some are gone I had a Xanga account before this and Xanga has been gone for some time. So I am not sure I can get back my 13 year old self but this has my 15 year old self and 12 years is still a lot of time.

My life has changed drastically since my last post. I graduated with my Bachelors degree in May but still am a aide. I could teach K-6 if I could find something I like. I am not in a rush though because I am currently 31 weeks pregnant. I never thought I would get to that point I have had 2 losses in the last 2 years. My autoimmune disease is out of control but with pregnancy you can't do much about that. I will be having a little boy in January. Mat and I have decided on the name Nolan for several reasons. I am a nostalgic person and it has a lot of connections to the early years in our relationship. Mat is in a new job and enjoying it a lot more then his previous jobs. I am hoping to get into a more enjoyable full-time position in the next year or so. After years of writing I am seeing now that some things don't really change. I am still depressed, anxious, and in physical pain. Do those things ever change though? I am more optimistic than I ever have been and I feel that Mat has had a lot to do with that. It just seems disheartening to realize that my core problems/complaints in life haven't changed over the 12 years I have written in this.
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Adventures? [Sep. 6th, 2014|03:31 pm]
Samantha
I am going into my 4th week in Student Teaching and feeling so overwhelmed, stressed, emotional, and exhaustion. My family is falling apart not just my close family cats and Mat most of my family. My aunt commited suicide in July. Several of my loved ones are sick with chronic illness and I myself am suffering from my autoimmune disease, depression, anxiety, and chronic pain. I need to apperciate the small things. Please consider this as a reference point, that this is only a bump in my path and things will get better. I have learned that things are always bad before they get better.
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a ghost [May. 14th, 2014|09:00 am]
Samantha
[Tags|, , , , ]

I feel like a ghost here. I think it's more for my sanity that I keep coming back and leaving little glimpses of the person I am at one point in time. Maybe it's just a reference for myself in-case I am lost. My RA is out of control, I am miserable. There was a point between February through last month where I felt just fine. I was an opioid induced happy, it cleared my depression and anxiety and my physical pain from the RA. I am not a month off and most of the withdrawal is gone but I am still miserable for the most part. The strange thing is while, I was in that different state of mind I was able to use most of the copping strategies that I have learned in counseling and through psychology courses to retrain my thoughts. I feel like for the most part I have a better hold on my depression and anxiety for the first time in my life; and I feel like pain medication played this role. I don't know why this is not a practice in mental health. Emotional pain is just as much a pain as physical pain with the right amount of medication with therapy and established coping strategies I feel like this could really help those suffering from depression and anxiety. At the same time, I have to say that there has to be a letting go point otherwise you face addiction. I am at this letting go point, it is by choice. I could have continued to go to pain management but, I wanted a reset point. Now I am trying to figure out my own physical pain and limitations myself. I think for the longest time I had in the back of my head that I could be like the other 20 somethings. I am recently realizing I can't. I have this Autoimmune disease that is physically holding me back. The depression and anxiety used to hold me back but in different ways. I feel like I am coping with that, but to deal with chronic pain in a healthy way is such a new thing to me. Mat thinks I have wrapped my life around my autoimmune disease, I have. How can a person who is in physical pain 24/7 not default to the cause. I am working on coping with physical pain. I am sad and mourning the person I wanted to be, but can't because of physical limitation. I am also mourning the realization that I will always be in pain whether it be a 4 or a 10. This has also been hard on the people around me. I can explain it to them but they still feel they don't understand why I can't do typical things that most people my age should be able to do or want to do.This is also something I will have to figure out.

Of course, all of this falls into my last year of college. I want to savior this campus it's beautiful and I know from now until mid-July this will be my last chance of experiencing college life as an undergrad. I will miss this school. I have had a love/hate relationship with it. When I first came to college I was lonely, I missed Mat and would go home every weekend. I was almost living two lives one as a kid who went to school and lived in a dorm but didn't really act like I lived in a dorm surrounded by people who I felt way less mature then myself except a few girls who I befriended. At the same time I would spend my weekend and breaks at home in an apartment with my someday husband playing the role of an almost married person, cleaning house, cooking meals. I still feel out of place even with commuting. I will not miss this so much, I will miss the beauty of the campus and the academic aspect. I love learning, I will continue to learn but I guess I will miss being a student. I will continue to learn but at my own leisure, I won't be the student that I enjoyed being. I might go back at some point for a masters degree, maybe at another school to experience a different academic curriculum. Working where I am has made me consider going for Special-education someday. Though, I will miss college I am excited and ready for this other part of my life. The part of my life as a teacher. I am also anxious because all the pieces have to still fall in place. I still have to pass these 3 classes, I still have to go through student teaching in the Fall semester, and I still have to take the new teacher licensing tests. I am hopeful I will get through all this and be walking with my Bachelors degree December 13th.
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An update [Dec. 24th, 2013|02:54 pm]
Samantha
I thought I would do an update since It was February since I last wrote. I found happiness, it truly exist to some degree enough for me to live on a daily basis. I went through a "binge" of happiness towards the end of February that has extended out to the past few months. I am a little bit sadder lately then I have been, but I am optimistic and feel I will overcome. I started this journal when I was 15 years old, I am now 25. When I started this I was a naive child. I think my past Samantha would be angry at me for saying that but, I was a slightly-ego centric spoiled brat sheltered and smothered by family. I don't write anymore, because live-journal and journaling in general seems to have become a wasteland of words. I am also a busy person, I have my cat, my husband, and my job. Today however, I am passing on the world of journaling to my nieces. I bought them both Q and A children journaling books off Amazon for Christmas, they are 10 and 11, younger then I was when I started journaling. If they do catch on I think they will enjoy the ability to revisit their past selfs. Livejournal has actually done more for me then I ever expected. I met mat here, I got to see glimpses of my 15-25 year old self. This journal has been reflections of my depression, anxiety, friendships, hardships, holidays, sadness, happiness, disease. I never knew this is the way my life would turn out but, I am happy for the opportunity to archive it.

Here's my year in reflection:

January- Substitute teaching, going to school at Ball State.

February- RA out of control, Mat's birthday

March- My sister finds out she's pregnant, Bronson is born November 1.

April- Still subbing, doing practicum courses at Ball State, doing lessons with 3rd graders at St.
Mary's, 5th graders at Burris Lab school, and 1st graders at Stoire.

May- RA still out of control

June- Summer School in Muncie, learning about the history of education, special- ed courses. Mat and I celebrate our 3 year Marriage anniversary, and 7 year being together anniversary.

July- Get off all RA meds, to try to start a family doesn't really work out. I have PCOS, Mother-Law gets diagnosed with Cancer.

August- Get job as Special-Ed Assistant.

September- Grow an appreciation for Special-ed, Start my 3rd to last math course over teaching student's math, gives me a new outlook on math. My dad has a mini-stroke but recovers.

October- RA is getting worse, Halloween at work, we dress up at Decidable Me minions as a group, Brigham is another year older. Mat get's laid off. I end up giving up most of my medications, no more health insurance.

November- RA is still bad, My 25th birthday, We decide to have Chinese food takeout, because Mat is deathly sick. Bronson my new nephew is born November 1st. Mat decides to do self-contracting work with a past employer.

December- RA is starting to ease up, I am able to go back on some of my meds, because Mat's new insurance kicks in. Mother in Law's cancer goes into remission. I am still having good and bad days emotionally and physically but, I am more aware of my limitations and look forward to things getting better rather then worse.
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(no subject) [Feb. 21st, 2013|04:55 pm]
Samantha
I hate you and you will never realize the depth of that. I want to be happy, but I don't think I ever will be. I never have been truly happy. I am physically falling apart and mentally. I can see what the doctor meant when she told me 5 years. I don't know why I dwell on that. It will be 4 years in July and I can feel the difference. I know the medications have helped me but they are also hurting me. I am developing addictions and bad habits. I have heard that you hit rock bottom before you can rise again. I don't think I have ever been rock bottom, but I think this is the closest I've been. I have fallen down 5 times in the past three months. I see a neurologist soon, I am wondering if it's M.S. I am only 24, why are things so messed up?
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(no subject) [Nov. 23rd, 2012|03:50 pm]
Samantha
[mood |sadsad]

My R.A is bad today and I am feeling depressed and lonely. I have seen many changes in my hands and legs and body in general as the R.A has gotten worse. It's in my hips now. I had an incident in July that required mat cutting up my food. This has happened a few times since. I also was wheeled out and given massive steriods for a huge flare at the college. I am in a lot of pain today and wish there was so much more I could do. I promised myself I would make a "Bucket list" of things I want to do with my hands and feet before I completely have lost the ability to.
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going on 3 weeks... [May. 28th, 2012|12:14 pm]
Samantha
[mood |sadsad]

I am experiencing a horrible R.A flare up that won't go away no matter how many steroids I take for it. This is the worst my R.A has ever been. I had a Steroid Shot to the hip last week and not relief I am now on a steroid burst and no relief. I am supposed to start infusion drugs but having major issues with the insurance company covering it so I doubt this will happen. I know my disease is getting worse but it's too expensive to maintain and if theres no money to pay for it I just have to suffer. I have looked into finical assistance programs but we miss the cut off by $40 a month, which I find awful because we are paying tripple the amount on hospital bills each month. I am losing function of my fingers, I have acquired some nerve damage from the R.A in my ring and pinky fingers. I am not really certain of what to do at this point I will know more tomorrow I hope when I call and find out how much my insurance will pay on the Infusions. They will range anywhere from $20,000 to $6,000 a month but I honestly don't know how much will be covered and if it will even be an option. I can't afford biologics $300 a month after insurance they are about $2,000 a month without insurance. July will make 3 years of my R.A diagnosis I was told then without heavy treatments I would be in a wheel chair within 5 years. I am not in a wheel chair yet but the closer I get to that 5 year mark and worse things have become the more I wonder how true this statement will become. I was also given the diagnosis of PCOS recently and was told by the dermatologist without treatment I will eventually be bald and that Rogan won't help because its a hormonal in-balance. So I am really hoping things change because I really don't want to be bald and in a wheel chair at the age of 28 (5 years from now). On a positive note, me and Mat are coming up on are 2 year Wedding Anniversary and 6 years that we have been together.
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(no subject) [Feb. 26th, 2012|02:08 pm]
Samantha
[mood |angryangry]

I have been dealing with a lot lately. I know there are a lot of positive things in my life but I am also battle a lot of uncommon things. My disease is getting worse, my wrist joints are bulging out. When I walk my knees pop in and out of place. If I postion my foot a certain way my toes pop out of place and tear up my ligaments and tendons and leave me in a sudden intense pain for several minutes. My hands also have the tendency to do this along with incredible weakness. I have inflammation in my lungs and sternum so often have chest pains and occasionally stop breathing at night when I sleep. Mat wakes me up. I also have the numbness and tingling that happens if I sit a certain way for too long. On top of my own health issues I am still also dealing with my depression and anxiety that makes certain everyday task impossible. Theres another thing going on to and I don't know how to deal with it. It doesn't involve my body or being directly but It is a person in my life that is suffering and I am the only person there to take care of them. I can barely take care of myself let alone another adult and this has been a struggle. I just don't know what to do anymore. I guess i
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(no subject) [Nov. 12th, 2011|08:59 am]
Samantha
[mood |awakeawake]

The past few days have been interesting My birthday was a few days ago and the last few birthdays haven't been the greatest but this particular one was nice. On my actual birthday it snowed, me and mat watched a few movies after he got off work and he cooked me a pasta dinner. At work the kids sang me Happy Birthday, I passed out donuts as treats and a few kids made me cards in art. Yesterday we went out to Texas Roadhouse I invited 14 people but only had a show up of 6. I still had fun, because I was seeing friends who I haven't seen in forever. My depression is still there so is the anxiety but I feel the withdrawal point has ended. I am looking into alternative ways to deal with it more natural ways like exercise and thought change. I am worried about mat and the possibility of back surgery and all the risks associated with back surgeries. I also am making hard decisions about my body and weather or not I should take certain R.A meds because when it comes down to it I am basically choosing between crippling bones or no massive debt. The shot that has been so helpful to me will be too expensive with our new insurance I am looking into a copay card but am doubtful.
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life [Oct. 26th, 2011|07:23 pm]
Samantha
[mood |discontentdiscontent]

Withdrawal sucks but it eventually get's better right? Its hard to tell sometimes because I can't remember anything anymore. I know I am depressed and have had suicidal thoughts a lot lately and tonight is one of those nights worse than usual.
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