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a ghost [May. 14th, 2014|09:00 am]
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I feel like a ghost here. I think it's more for my sanity that I keep coming back and leaving little glimpses of the person I am at one point in time. Maybe it's just a reference for myself in-case I am lost. My RA is out of control, I am miserable. There was a point between February through last month where I felt just fine. I was an opioid induced happy, it cleared my depression and anxiety and my physical pain from the RA. I am not a month off and most of the withdrawal is gone but I am still miserable for the most part. The strange thing is while, I was in that different state of mind I was able to use most of the copping strategies that I have learned in counseling and through psychology courses to retrain my thoughts. I feel like for the most part I have a better hold on my depression and anxiety for the first time in my life; and I feel like pain medication played this role. I don't know why this is not a practice in mental health. Emotional pain is just as much a pain as physical pain with the right amount of medication with therapy and established coping strategies I feel like this could really help those suffering from depression and anxiety. At the same time, I have to say that there has to be a letting go point otherwise you face addiction. I am at this letting go point, it is by choice. I could have continued to go to pain management but, I wanted a reset point. Now I am trying to figure out my own physical pain and limitations myself. I think for the longest time I had in the back of my head that I could be like the other 20 somethings. I am recently realizing I can't. I have this Autoimmune disease that is physically holding me back. The depression and anxiety used to hold me back but in different ways. I feel like I am coping with that, but to deal with chronic pain in a healthy way is such a new thing to me. Mat thinks I have wrapped my life around my autoimmune disease, I have. How can a person who is in physical pain 24/7 not default to the cause. I am working on coping with physical pain. I am sad and mourning the person I wanted to be, but can't because of physical limitation. I am also mourning the realization that I will always be in pain whether it be a 4 or a 10. This has also been hard on the people around me. I can explain it to them but they still feel they don't understand why I can't do typical things that most people my age should be able to do or want to do.This is also something I will have to figure out.

Of course, all of this falls into my last year of college. I want to savior this campus it's beautiful and I know from now until mid-July this will be my last chance of experiencing college life as an undergrad. I will miss this school. I have had a love/hate relationship with it. When I first came to college I was lonely, I missed Mat and would go home every weekend. I was almost living two lives one as a kid who went to school and lived in a dorm but didn't really act like I lived in a dorm surrounded by people who I felt way less mature then myself except a few girls who I befriended. At the same time I would spend my weekend and breaks at home in an apartment with my someday husband playing the role of an almost married person, cleaning house, cooking meals. I still feel out of place even with commuting. I will not miss this so much, I will miss the beauty of the campus and the academic aspect. I love learning, I will continue to learn but I guess I will miss being a student. I will continue to learn but at my own leisure, I won't be the student that I enjoyed being. I might go back at some point for a masters degree, maybe at another school to experience a different academic curriculum. Working where I am has made me consider going for Special-education someday. Though, I will miss college I am excited and ready for this other part of my life. The part of my life as a teacher. I am also anxious because all the pieces have to still fall in place. I still have to pass these 3 classes, I still have to go through student teaching in the Fall semester, and I still have to take the new teacher licensing tests. I am hopeful I will get through all this and be walking with my Bachelors degree December 13th.