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Samantha

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(no subject) [Oct. 15th, 2011|07:48 pm]
Samantha
My sister had a still birth and delivered by c-section October 7th the funeral was October 12th and I got to hold him even though he was dead and my sister got to hold him and spend 3 days with him before he was sent to the funeral home. he was only one pound and 15 ounces. My depression was ok for a couple of months I am back on anti-depressants but have been cutting them in half due to lack of money to afford them once my health insurance changes. Mat got a new job so my health insurance will change in a month and I am a little worried about this as well as the drug shortage on chemotherapy drugs considering one of my particular shots was on the list. I always think when I am depressed that it is the worst that it has ever been and I really don't remember how accurate that is. I have been waking up a lot of mornings with my first thoughts being about killing myself. The feelings where gone while I was taking my full dose of anti-depressant but have come back since I have been cutting them in half. I am depressed and my anxiety is also bad. My R.A seems to be under control for the moment I am doubtful that will stay the same due to the health insurance change and drug shortages. I am hoping for some positive change.
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life [Aug. 30th, 2011|10:30 pm]
Samantha
[mood |cynicalcynical]

My sister's baby is dying and my depression has been bad lately but better at the same time. She will have her Baby November 1rst (C-section) and he will probably only live a few hours if that he was diagnosed with a terminal prognosis (Trisomy 18). I am proud of her for a few reasons she is donating his heart valve once he passes and I find that to be strong and amazing and I just hope things get better because lately my life seems like a depressing made for tv movie.
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(no subject) [Jul. 18th, 2011|12:03 am]
Samantha
[mood |optimisticoptimistic]

I have decided to make a few drastic changes to alleviate some of the depression and anxiety. I will be leaving on a last minute vacation with my family on tuesday, to see family I haven't seen in 7 years. I then plan to start a 10 day juice fast upon returning. Mat mainly sparked my interest in juice fasting. I have also read up a lot on it and am really excited. I am mainly interested in the increase in energy and a lot of people that I have read about who have done it claim that it greatly helps depression and anxiety. I also like the health benefits and the weight lose factor also sounds great.
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no desires [Jul. 12th, 2011|09:39 pm]
Samantha
[mood |sadsad]

It seems that this is the first place I turn to when I hit my lows. I really wish I didn't feel this bad. I have come to realize that life isn't always happy. The more I think about everything that has happened this year the more I want to go away. I want to at least be content for a majority of my week. I am lucky if I can make it through the end of the week only having one low. This is my first low this week and it's only Tuesday. I wake up either depressed or full of anxiety. I don't really know if this is normal, but it makes me contemplate leaving. I know if I leave I won't have to feel this way anymore; I am not completely sure of that but I am guessing. Life shouldn't be this painful. Not only am I physically ill I am mentally ill. The R.A makes it impossible for me to live a "normal" life and I feel as if it's my fault that I have it. I don't know why I have it, but it makes me feel like my body has turned against me. I just wish things would change for the better.
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(no subject) [Jun. 28th, 2011|10:18 pm]
Samantha
[mood |coldcold]

I miss you, and I am sorry the positive, wonderful, and happy part of you died when you really started to understand me. The positive energy you used to have has saved me from myself.
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:> [Jun. 6th, 2011|10:45 pm]
Samantha
[mood |blankblank]

Things will get better I promise. I am making that promise to myself even though I don't feel I can really trust myself. the 3rd was 5 years that me and mat got together though we have been friends a total of 7 or 8 years I really don't remember, though I would like to find out :) and the 4th made 1 year that we have been married. I have a fondness for numbers and I hope I feel better. My doctor wants me to be on the ivy drugs at the cancer center if things don't get better. I am trying to get out of a bad flair that has been pretty bad for the past few months. I partially blame it on myself, because I am young and don't realize the extent to how bad things actually are. I will find out shortly the full extent after I get xrays this week. I haven't had xrays in 2 years and at that point there was no damage but inflammation. This was the beginning of my diagnosis and really the start to the hell known as an autoimmune disease. So I am curious to what my bones will say. I have my suspicions, I have developed the hands of an 90 year old women, which 2 years ago they where the hands of a 20 year old. I also have had several days where I can't walk because of the pain and tendens in my feet tearing apart as I walk, something I certainly didn't experience 2 years ago. I shall shuffle on though, and try to be an optimist. I am going to try to look into things that will make my life a little bit better my diet is one thing I really need to change.
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(no subject) [May. 31st, 2011|10:57 pm]
Samantha
I miss parts of myself, the ones that I forgot or grew out of. This journal has showed me a lot. The pieces of my former self. It seems the common thread is pain. I am too dependent.
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... [May. 27th, 2011|09:22 pm]
Samantha
[mood |depresseddepressed]

( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )
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;-/ [May. 6th, 2011|09:51 pm]
Samantha
[mood |distresseddistressed]

My R.A controls my life. I really wish it didn't and it shouldn't but I honestly don't remember what its like to feel normal. Everyday I wake up I hurt and the few good days I have a month seem far and few between. It's almost been 2 years since I was diagnosed and I remember the doctor saying without intense treatment I would be in a wheel chair in 5 years I am about half way there and I don't really know what I will be like in the next 3 years to come I hope I'm not in a wheel chair but when I flair in my feet its my tendons being ripped apart and its so painful and I can't imagine it getting any better. So I am hoping things get better because I have been depressed for what seems like a long time now and it seems like its only getting worse.
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: [Feb. 15th, 2011|09:40 pm]
Samantha
I am sad and for as long as I have ever been sad it seems like I never know what to do about it. I am trying to get things in my life together but I have a lot of pressure on my soul and it seems that it is getting to difficult to deal with.
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